Moms, we want our kids to realize that a calm, peaceful home is the Expected Norm. When they get overcome by emotion we want them to speak to it and know they can come to us and ask for a hug (no matter their age). They can use their words to tell us “I’m stressed out”. But, typically what happens with our ADHD kids is that they allow their fluctuating emotions to overwhelm them. By offering routines which they are capable of carrying out, we put them in a low intensity situation where they learn to complete actions despite their feelings. This is really where we do our best work in molding our ADHD kids.
Note: You may wonder why I don’t suggest a ‘positive’ reinforcement to get this morning routine nailed. That is because I don’t provide rewards for Expected Behaviors. This is like saying I will take you for ice cream if you don’t hit your brother. The positive reinforcement for the Morning Routine is simply having a calm, loving atmosphere in our home. They may not say it, but kids feel good (and subsequently behave better) when everyone is harmoniously working together in the home.
So Let’s Get To It. Because Even with severe ADHD behaviors, your child can get ready for the day All By Himself.
How do I know this? I don’t…But YOU do.
The reason you know this is because you have seen this VERY child get ready either in whole or in part for other aspects of his day. He may not do so consistently, but you’ve seen glimpses where he’s risen from his bed unprompted by you, brushed his teeth (perhaps with tons of prompting), dressed himself, put his socks and shoes on, combed his own hair, swallowed vitamins and/or medications, put on and zipped up his own jacket, and eaten a meal. That’s a Morning Routine, folks.
Now, we just need to put this practice into an orderly, consistent sequence, teach our child the routine, and tie the behavior to consequences (both negative and positive).
Here’s how this looks. For this example, I will use an 9yr old child whose mom and dad both work outside the home. The school bus rolls up to the house at 7:15am. Mom needs to leave by 7:30, and dad needs to leave by 7:45. In this case I’m putting mom ‘on the scene’. I find this works best until the routine gets learned u0026amp; mastered. Once your kiddo is successful, you can swap mom and dad as needed, provided THEY follow the routine as well!
5 Steps to a Successful Morning Routine
STEP 1: Match the Timing to the Task.
This is when we decide What Needs to Get Done, In What Order, and How Long It Takes. (I’m already feeling successful, aren’t you?!) Let’s write it down.
- Child wakes up and rises from bed (5 min).
If need be, I will personally wake my child until they are in about 7th grade– depending on severity of ADHD- but definitely by age 14 they get an alarm clock which sits across the room. Parent will check this at night to be sure it’s set. By high school, child is fully responsible for this. Consequences for not waking on time discussed later.
- Child puts on fresh clothes for school (5 min)
School clothes have been laid out the night before by mom and eventually the child. Showers always taken at night when needed.
- Child comes downstairs. (5 min)
- Child goes directly to kitchen sink and brushes teeth, then wets/combs/styles hair (7 minutes)
Toothbrushes/toothpaste/hair gel/hair elastics/barrettes/brush/hand mirror all in cabinet located next to kitchen sink.
- Child goes to bathroom using downstairs restroom (5 min)
It is key to keep them downstairs; they walk back upstairs and we’re likely to lose them.
- Child puts on socks/shoes/jacket (8 min)
- Child eats breakfast (12 min)
FYI- Breakfast is being prepared/laid out FOR child while they are doing above routine.
- Child gathers belongings and heads out door (2 min)
TOTAL TIME REQUIREMENT: 49 MINUTES.
So what’s the WAKE UP TIME?! (using 7:15 as ‘leave’ time): 6:20 AM
STEP 2: Mom is Available u0026amp; Accessible during ENTIRE routine!!
Parental placement is key. Just because our kids will be independently running their morning, doesn’t mean mom or dad isn’t physically present. YUP, trust me, even my typical smarty pants kids seem to blow it if I’m not in the kitchen during this timeframe. Don’t worry, this isn’t forever. But we are modeling a smooth, efficient morning and these skills will last them a LIFETIME. So, for the moms who are heading to work outside the home- No Problem! You are simply backing up the time and being COMPLETELY READY FOR WORK BEFORE YOU WAKE YOUR CHILD. Ouch, I know that hurts, but it is… what it is. We need to remember that these kids are not equipped to completely navigate the morning without at least a LITTLE guidance from a parent. And quite frankly, its always nice to have mom or dad around in the morning. A little quality time sets the stage for the entire day. But you already knew that.
STEP 3: We INFORM u0026amp; ROLE PLAY so the entire routine is understood.
Moms, you are going to sit down with your child in a calm atmosphere and let them know how the mornings are going to run from now on. Here’s what it sounded like in my house:
“Charlie, our mornings are getting really crazy and mommy doesn’t want to yell anymore because it makes everyone have a terrible morning before school.” (Making yourself look like the Morning Monster creates buy-in. As soon as we blame ourselves, kids perk up.)
“Charlie, from now on, I’m going to show you what you need to do every morning and then you are going to do it all by yourself and then I won’t have to nag you anymore because that’s just annoying to hear me yelling.” (More buy-in.)
“Every day I’m going to wake you at 6:20. You are going to get dressed and immediately come downstairs. I will have a card on the fridge that shows you a list of what to do. You will do each thing all by yourself and I will be in the kitchen making your breakfast and packing your lunch.” Your kid’s thinking, ‘Sounds easy enough’. But now we hit them with a little Tough Love…
“I know you hate getting up for school because you always lie there and make mom scratch your back until you can finally get up. Well, I’m not going to do a big back scratch anymore. No one likes getting up from their snuggly beds, even moms and dads. It’s Normal to want to stay in bed, and you know that WE CAN’T FIX NORMAL. So, I’m going to come in and raise your shades and turn off your fan and rub your back for only a quick second and then you have to get up. Your clothes will be on your desk so you just need to put those on and come downstairs.”
“On the fridge I’m going to have a Morning Card and this is what it’s going to say:”
- Brush Teeth
- Wet and Fix hair
- Take Vitamins and/or Medications
- Go to the bathroom
- Socks/shoes/jacket
- Eat Breakfast
STEP 4: SET EXPECTATIONS & INFORM THEM OF CONSEQUENCES.
You are going to lovingly let your child know that everyone in the family has their jobs to do and when everyone does them then the house feels really happy and peaceful. Say “Moms and dads aren’t supposed to do all the kids’ routines because moms and dads don’t have enough hands to get it all done.”
And here’s where you Bring It Home, moms. “Charlie, now that you know the routine, it’s your responsibility to do it without whining or complaining. Mom’s not going to tell you how to do each thing but I will just ask ‘Did you finish everything on the Morning Card?’ And that’s when you look at the card on the fridge and point to each item on the list to make sure you did each thing. If you do the morning routine you get to have your TV time at night and you get your video games on the weekend. If you have a really bad morning that’s ok, but just understand that the fun things you wanted that day like playdates or special snacks or TV will have to wait until the next day when you do the morning routine without fussing.” (They will nod and say they’ve ‘got it’ but come Monday they will absolutely fail. No worries, it’s all part of the process.)
STEP 5: PREPARE FROM THE MOM-SIDE OF THE EQUATION.
You know what to do. You are responsible for the following each night before bed:
- If you work outside the home, ALWAYS have your own outfit prepared and time yourself to be completely ready by your child’s wake up time. (If your child is 14 or older, be sure that alarm clock is set by them.)
- Lay out your child’s clothing on his/her desk (or make sure they’ve done this!), and be sure they’ve bathed if needed.
- Make sure socks/shoes/jacket/backpack seated by door for an easy grab.
- Do a mental run-through of what you’ll be giving them for breakfast and what’s going in their lunchbox. Having that MENU posted on the fridge will guide your choices.
BONUS STEP 6: EXPECT AN EPIC FAIL AND SEE IT THROUGH.
By way of an example, let’s say your son has made half-hearted attempts at this new morning routine. You’ve removed screens on a couple of the days, possibly taken away some phone privileges or playdates/social activities but progress is SLOOOW. You can see that it doesn’t really matter to your child that you are still nagging him through the morning routine. That’s ok, wait till Friday and move in for the kill. (Wow, did I say that out loud?) It looks like this:
Act 1, Scene 1 Late Friday afternoon, beautiful weekend ahead, some activities planned. Mom’s reheating her coffee for the 5th time that day as Charlie walks through the door after school. After a quick snack Charlie gets up to leave kitchen.
Mom: Hey Charlie, I just wanted to talk to you about the weekend since we started that new Morning Routine this week.
Charlie: (half paying attention) Yea?
Mom: (sugary sweet voice) Yea, well you know how you did all that stuff all by yourself but each day you still whined for the first 10 minutes trying to get out of bed and each time I asked you to check the Morning Card you would just sit down and start eating breakfast at the island? And then I’d have to ask you to get back up and check the Card because you kept missing a few things?
Charlie: (sort of paying attention now) Yea?
Mom: (same calm voice) Yea, well that took away lots of time from every morning and instead of it being an easy morning it was still pretty tricky. So I’m so glad you tried but this weekend you actually don’t get your playdate with Jack, and you don’t have any electronics/TV either for the entire weekend. (Stay calm mom.)
Charlie: (face crumbling)
Mom continues: BUT when you get a new chance on Monday morning I bet you’re gonna do such a great job getting ready in the morning and earn all your privileges again.
Charlie: (shattered) Mooooooooom?!? YOU CAN’T TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY! IT WAS ONLY THE FIRST WEEK! YOU DIDN’T TELL ME I WOULDN’T HAVE A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!!
Mom: (same calm voice) Yea, I actually did tell you that depending on how you did meant whether or not you would earn things. But don’t worry, I know this will never happen again because now you know how to do everything. (Mom walks away with coffee in hand.)
(Curtain lowers as Charlie’s cries are heard throughout the house. Audience can hear as mother calls out “lovingly” that if he continues to carry on then this will mean he also doesn’t have any screens on Monday as well…)
Let’s recap the topic of consequences moms
You are seeing that clear rules and CONSISTENT consequences are the name of the game. It is heartbreaking to take away a long awaited play date or activity, not to mention it’s REALLY unfair to the child with whom the play date was made. I’m always careful of not making a practice of canceling playdates as consequences to poor behavior. BUT I have been known to cancel a FICTITIOUS playdate. Yup, perhaps I never called Jack’s mom and set something up for Saturday afternoon. Maybe when Charlie really failed at something (at which he had the ability to succeed) I only TOLD him that he now lost a playdate with Jack. It definitely hurts my soul to see Charlie lose a playdate (fictitious or real) so I honestly save these measures only for when he’s continually decided not try his best at following the rules or routines of the house.
You got this moms! And no matter how tricky it gets, stay strong. Keep your eyes on the goal and keep that vision in place. A Calm Peaceful Loving Home. EVEN in the morning.
Carolyn offers encouragement and knowledge so other moms can experience the same successful results as her son. One of her older sons, also ADHD, struggled for YEARS with O.D.D. symptoms. She wants you to know you can have control over symptoms even when given that VERY overwhelming ADHD or O.D.D. diagnosis.